April 14, 2012

Why don't I ever post any pictures of me?

That's a question that I bet some readers may have.  Why not any pictures of you, as you currently are?  Well, there is a sad fact about me.  That is that I'm on anti-psychotics.  They cause weight-gain. Simple enough, they slow your mind and your body down.  They sap your will to get out there and exercise.  I've put on a lot of weight over the last few years.  And I'm embarrassed to look at photos of myself.  Simple as that.  I don't like the way I look.  I look ugly in my opinion. I don't look pretty.  Doesn't help that I get "you are so fat Debbie, when are you going to do something about it??" from my parents.  I'm 50 years old.  I can't stop eating.  I need to eat some food.  I don't overeat.  I don't gorge myself on food.  I get out and walk every single day.  I wish I could run a marathon every day.  And be thin again.  I wish I could take a carving knife to my body and carve out all the fat.  Then I'd be thin.  And dead too. 

I wish I could be perfect.  Have a ton of friends,  Be pretty and attractive.  Have a job.  Have a family that would ask how I feel inside.

I need to get Tim to pump up the tires on my bike. Then I can go for rides.  That's always fun. I enjoy going for bike rides down by the Ottawa River.  That's fun to see the water rushing by.  Such a beautiful powerful river that never stops.  A real energy in the water, always swirling and moving. Like a child. Never pausing for more than a second.  Ever watch a child in a playground?  They never stop moving. It's so amazing to watch them. My daughters are still like that at the playground.  Lovely to see. 

So, yes, some sadness and despair in there today that I'll never be perfect.  But some joy in there that I've got a bike, I've got my health, for the most part, and got some energy to go out and bike.

Seize the moments of happiness, love and be loved! That is the only reality in the world, all else is folly. Leo Tolstoy

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