January 30, 2009

Why people in a mania state don't seek help

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor nor any type of medical professional. All of this is my speculation.

Ok, now to the speculation of why people in a mania state don't seek help. It's because we feel good! We feel like we're accomplishing things. Seems all is going well. It's only when a crack develops that we start to wonder if things ARE as great as they seem. For me, it was a series of events. Yelling at people who didn't deserve it. And then the really painful one. On Christmas Eve, falling asleep before filling the girls stockings. And then hearing them say "Mummy Santa forgot to come, our stockings are empty". Oh God that hurt to hear them say that. How dare I ruin their Christmas? They said, when I paused for a minute, "oh well he must have been really busy this year, and other kids need toys too, don't they?" But I knew that didn't let me off the hook. That's the day when I said to self "you are sick dear, and need help". Yes, I did. I'm glad I got it.

A friend told me a story this morning in WoW. How a mother has badly damaged her daughters self-esteem by having manic-depression for years and never taking drugs for it. The daughter feels so on-edge, so nervous about her own feelings, not wanting to set off her mum again on another rant, or crying episode. She'll never be the same, happy child she likely was. How I'd like to slap that woman, hard? Let me count the ways.

I forgot to include Sally Fields portrayal of a manic-depressive mother in my "Walking in somebody else's shoes" post as a good example of what it is like. She did a marvellous job on the show "ER" as Abby's mum. Excerpt from this page on media portrayal of bipolar

top-rated NBC-TV series ER is tackling the subject of bipolar disorder by introducing the character of Maggie, the manic-depressive mother of resident medical student Abby Lockhart (played by Maura Tierney). Maggie suffers from Bipolar Type I, with major manic episodes and major depressive episodes, and when she first strode into the emergency room, she was wearing a flamboyant outfit and talking nonstop, barely allowing anyone else to get a word in edgewise. But when Abby claimed not to know her, Maggie began charging around the area screaming her daughter's name in a rage.

January 28, 2009

Ribs for dinner

Yes, that's what I've just made for our dinner tonight. Ribs in the slow cooker. Browned under the broiler, and a nice tangy onion/garlic mix browned and then mixed with homemade BBQ sauce and poured over top. Mmm the house will smell good. While I was cooking I was listening to MB20 and "More than you think you are". That song "Unwell" just strikes something inside me as what I'm saying. This set of lines from it, especially "Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown and I don't know why
Well I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell"


I was thinking too, of Jack Nicholson in "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" movie. <Wiki entry> How he plays so well the seemingly crazy guy who is really coldly calculating that he'll get off easy on his prison sentence. I feel I'm the exact opposite of that. Really crazy but trying to appear normal to people. And not succeeding well at all! Haha.

I also remembered that I have two books about Bipolar that I should read. I think I'll get Kay Redfields autobiography as well. Just as a interest subject.

Another book I've been meaning to read, and yet it sits there is "The Jesus I never knew" by Philip Yancy. It does look interesting. I got that as a Christmas present.

I had to reinstall Windows on a new hard drive yesterday. The old one was over 5 years old, hence very close to the end of its lifespan, in technical terms. I also noticed my computer was slow, very slow! Also, I've been having unexplained random reboots. So, a technical friend (IT guy) in England said you better change it before it does crash and you lose all the info. So, I did. I've now got the old one in an external HD case on the desk, and it's turned off. That way, if needed I can power it up, and via USB cable can snatch what I need off it, and then off it goes. Hopefully with very little usage it will last a few more years.

"Now, why is it that most of us can talk openly about the illnesses of our bodies, but when it comes to our brain and illnesses of the mind we clam up and because we clam up, people with emotional disorders feel ashamed, stigmatized, and don’t seek the help that can make the difference." Kirk Douglas, who's son Michael Douglas directed "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest"

January 27, 2009

Trying to step into a person's shoes

A couple of coincidences happened today. One was the fact that a person whom I'd cut out of my life completely due to his actions suddenly, randomly, asked via email "can bygones be bygones? Can we talk?" Wow, totally out of the blue, indeed. I thought to self, "how can I want that, and yet not give it?" So, replied and spoke a bit of what my life is going through. He replied again quickly. But I don't feel like I want to get into IM with him yet. No, email is a little less immediate, and less pressure. But, yes, it feels good to practice forgiveness.

Another thing of interest was a show on my kids favourite channel TVO kids. Swap TV where a kid lives with another kids family for 2 days and vice versa. How hard that must be! To live in another's shoes for 2 whole days, away from anything remotely familiar. Rather scary! And to have a video camera in your face a good portion as you deal with their life, suddenly. I thought, as an extension of that, how could a person without bipolar even begin to understand what it is like to live this life of hell. Yes, at times it does feel that way. I didn't ask for this, and don't want it, and wish it would go away, and hate dealing with it, and just cope with it. Yes I put on a brave face, smile, say things are good. But .. (you knew there would be a but right?) some times, like tonight when it just brings tears to my eyes. I get tired of fighting to stay sane, happy, organized, being "Mummy", being good "Wife", and having to be the computer fix-it expert in my house due to immenient HDD failure. Yes, that's a lot of worry points. I just get tired, defeated, sad and over-burdened.

I guess the best way I could start to describe it is with words. But pictures help, apparently. So do videos. Or talking. Or saying the words in a song. A wide variety of media can portray what bipolar is to people who have it. Then perhaps those not walking in our shoes may begin to understand it. The movie "Garden State" with Zach Braff <Wiki entry> is one way of showing mental illness pretty well. The song "Lithium" by Nirvana is another. The song "Lithium" by Evanescence is yet another one. But it portrays darkness and depress whereas Lithium actually is a mood-stabilizer and protects against depression.

One of the most noted writers on the subject of Bipolar is Kay Redfield Jamison. Clinical psychologist, professor of psychology, and Bipolar sufferer, all in one. Wow! Amazing lady. A real expert, in more than one way.

Her quote below:

Jamison, in an interview, said she was an 'exuberant' person herself, yet she longed for peace and tranquility; but in the end, she preferred "tumultuousness coupled to iron discipline" over leading a "stunningly boring life." In her autobiography, "An Unquiet Mind", she concluded: "I long ago abandoned the notion of a life without storms, or a world without dry and killing seasons. Life is too complicated, too constantly changing, to be anything but what it is. And I am, by nature, too mercurial to be anything but deeply wary of the grave unnaturalness involved in any attempt to exert too much control over essentially uncontrollable forces. There will always be propelling, disturbing elements, and they will be there until, as Lowell put it, the watch is taken from the wrist. It is, at the end of the day, the individual moments of restlessness, of bleakness, of strong persuasions and maddened enthusiasms, that inform one's life, change the nature and direction of one's work, and give final meaning and color to one's loves and friendships."

And that is that, in a nutshell. I'll live with all of this. The peace, at times. The tears, at times. The feelings of not being able to stop myself from feeling real joy, or anger, of love, at times. Ever-changing circumstances indeed. Well said. How amazing of her to have written the de facto textbook on bipolar disorder.

Well done.

So, at the end of a long day, I'll smile and say thanks to God for a great day, and let's hope tomorrow is another one. God bless.

Felling better, finally

Ah well, nothing like a few days of temperature, headache and just 'blah' to make you appreciate good health huh? Yes!

A great description of mania is this. Think of a gas pedal of a car pressed to the floor. Hear that engine race? Think of that as the brain. Now, keep that up for oh 2 to 3 months. That's the wear and tear, and the terror, and the lack of sleep that leads to really poor decision making. That's what leads to 3 hrs of sleep, then back up and let's keep going! Mind is in gear, and lets go, fast, rudderless basically, but we're going! That's mania, in a nutshell.

Now, with the right drug in my system, making me rest for 8-10 hours, the brain is slowing down, in so many ways. Thoughts are more organized. Decisions get made with some thought. Feelings get listened to, in full. Just "calm" is a great overall description of it.

This morning, something is finally coming really clear. I won't be seeing a name pop up as signing into MSN, like my subconscious thought did when I heard that sound on Sarah's computer of a friend signing on. Just a person, far, far away who means nothing to me. Something I have to repeat, as a mantra when his name pops into my head. Hopefully it'll become less necessary to repeat that mantra as time wears on. :)

Cold and clear here today, since its January. -15 C and nice sunshine outside. No wind, but it's still cold to walk the doggy. LOL, can't imagine what you readers would think who don't live here, in Canada. Yes, you would find it brutal! We do, believe me. But coat, hat, boots, mittens or warm gloves, a scarf are all our tools to keep out that cold. And of course hot chocolate with marshmellows! Mmmmm!

"Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen." P.J. O'Rourke

January 25, 2009

Feeling sick :(

Well, it started last night with severe shivering. Man do I have a headache today! A good temperature too (as in high, not 'great feeling') Don't know what I have but it's hit me like a Mack truck. No energy at all.

The chugga-chugga-choo-choo of the brain cranking away is definitely less there. More able to control emotion, and able to reason better, lately I find. This combination of drugs that I'm on seems ideal, in a lot of ways. Not so tiring as the previous set, and yet still, I feel in control.

As I lie in bed, feeling like crap, of course I think back. Regrets, sorrows and a feeling of "I've fucked that up but good". But, can't cry about yesterday, right? Can't worry about tomorrow. Just take it one day at a time, and enjoy the day.

Vic is a good nurse LOL. She's giving me "feel better" needles, as my nurse. Taking my temperature and then "kerpow" the thermometer blew up because my temp was so high. LOL her imagination is vast, at times. I love that. They get this little glint in the eye when they play "nurse" Like "oooo now I'm the boss of her!" LOL

Made yummy home-made pizza last night. So yummy (that was before I started feeling like crap). Kids really love home-made cheese pizza, thank goodness LOL!

January 23, 2009

Somebody else notices I'm doing better

The psychologist yesterday commented that I was calmer. More in control, listening more, pausing more for her, and just seemed relaxed and happy. That is nice to hear that someone else notices!

Shoo, go away Indian spammes with your drug ads. Somebody tried to sell something in comments. I've got moderation on, so, they don't have a chance to get on here for you all to see.

Well, it's annoying to see that WoW is down today. Unscheduled, emerg. maitenance. :( The kids are home on a pupil-free day, and it's miserable outside. So, time to break out the tent (kiddy sized one) and the snacks and presto, camping out with the Webkins. Gives me an hour or so of peace LOL

Something the psych. and I talked about was e-mail. How I feel more important somehow if I get a personal email. She was asking if I thought others felt that way. Not as likely I said. Then we got into the idea if they don't send one, does that somehow mean they don't care? Of course not! If they don't write, does that mean they don't like you? No, of course not! Why the hell do I get into these negative frames of mind where the answers above are Yes. God, I am so stupid, at times. So damn insecure, which is stupid, pointless and annoying, for sure.

I hope that I continue to feel this good as I go along this year. I know life is a journey, but damn I hope the ride is smooth and not too full of bumps, ruts, and unexpected left turns into hell, and then bumping over rocks, tree and stumps to get back out to the smooth road of life LOL. Wow, now that's a metaphor and a half!

Have a great weekend everybody (or maybe the one) who reads this. :)

January 20, 2009

My homework for the week from the acupuncturist

Okay, so I've got homework to do this week :) Have to write down what I eat in the next week. 2 weekdays and 1 weekend day. He just wants to see what food I put in my body, and see if he can suggest anything different. Likely to cut out the processed foods and eat "real, healthy" foods. I'm a lover of buns, doughnuts and sticky buns. Not the best food, obviously! But if it's not around, I don't eat it. We do try to have whole wheat bread on the counter for eating.

Another bit of homework is deep breathing practice. We tend to breath shallower as we get tensed up he says. So, to be able to call on the deep breathing to calm us down, slow us down, we need to practice it when not stressed. Makes sense to me! Just starting out with a few minutes he's saying. Then gradually over the next month build up to 15-20 minutes of steady, focused, deep breathing to really calm myself, and get myself absorbing the earth's energy. Great way to describe it is to think of your feet as roots, he said.

I feel calm this morning. Not tired, and not bouncy at all. Just calm. The kids were on my back saying "I don't wanna go to school Mummy, I have this, that, the other thing wrong with me". But none of that made me rise up inside. The dragon of anger is sleeping LOL. Thank goodness. I can see clearly that there is no point in getting riled up over little things now.

Okay, a bit of Google goodness and we come up with the name David Servan-Schreiber as the author "Healing without Freud or Prozac". Wiki entry on him here. The way I double checked that it was the right book was look up the name on the French Amazon "Guerir" which is the only name the acupuncture guy could remember. This article from the Independent newspaper in England is quite detailed in information about him.

Well, I'm glad to hear that he's part of MSF. Since 2005 and the tsunami in Indonesia I've done the monthly donation thing to MSF. Only $20/month, and a nice steady bit of income for their charity.

"We think in generalities, but we live in detail". Alfred North Whitehead

January 19, 2009

Forgiveness and Random Acts of Kindness

We've all heard the saying "To err is human, to forgive is divine". But what does forgive really mean? It's easy to forgive someone stepping on your toe, for instance. Gone in an instant. But to forgive a murderer who killed your daughter? That's a whole different kettle of fish. But, I think to survive you have to find the power within to forgive that murderer. Or that thoughtless person who angers you beyond belief. I do think that when we truly forgive someone we are at peace. Some things though bother us greatly and we think "we're not going to associate with that person any more". That's the way of life.

At the acupuncture meeting tonight I brought up the idea of a random act of kindness. He replied with the title of a book that a French psychiatrist and neureo-biologist had written regarding the secrets of curing depression. Drugs are one, exercise is another, TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) and meditation is another, and the act of giving, sharing is yet another that he mentioned. So, yes, my thoughtfulness in dropping off a latte to a friend is a good idea. *smiles at the thought*

My last post sounded a bit down, and yeah, written just before bed, end of a long day, and yeah I was tired and defeated feeling. But ... I'd say this last week has been really good. Not as much caffeine in the system due to discarding the first bit of strong tea and then drinking the 2nd infusion of it. The pills are helping my sleep immensely. I just feel calmer, more at ease, and less like the brain is chugging away.

The swear words, as well aren't there. Thank goodness because frankly, with young daughters I shouldn't be swearing, at all. Bad example. Not a good practise. Do as I say, not as I do? LOL, the one thing kids are great for is to point out the truth and the obvious. "Mummy you have bad breath" LOL or "Mummy you're having a bad hair day, aren't you?" That's Victoria.

7 years ago tonight I was in hospital giving birth to Victoria. Still very fresh in my mind, and so amazing to get to meet her, finally. All 10 lbs, 1 oz of her. Happy Birthday Victoria!

January 17, 2009

Kinda depressing news, but not surprising

Well, the meeting with the doctor was good. He took my BP and it was fine. But he said, based on my experience with the last few horrible months, that I'd likely have to be on these two drugs for the rest of my life. Yeah, that's right, the next 30 to 40 odd years. Every day, remember to take them. Every 30 days go get new ones. Every single day, without fail. Kinda depressing. No end, ever to it. In some ways I wish I had cancer instead of this. Then it's either you get fixed or you die. Period. There's an end to it. This disease just lingers on and on and on.

I just hope my daughter(s) don't get it, ever. There is a heritable aspect, sadly. I likely inherited it from some ancestor or another.

Well, thank God I live in the 21st century, and that I've got a good, stable, friendly, happy house to live in. With a supportive husband. I can't imagine how awful it'd be to be alone, with this. So much more depressing, and sad.

I'll be okay :)

January 15, 2009

Off to see the doctor

Well, it's time for me to be off to see my doctor. I'm glad I made this appointment to see him back in late November. Thank goodness we'd agreed that every 3 months I should see him to keep up to date on my treatment for bipolar. It's sad to think that I have to wait that long, though, because of him being so overworked. What if he quits, honestly? Throwing all his patients to the wind. We'll never find another doctor to take us. Nobody is accepting new patients, period. If they are, it's because you won a 'lottery' where your name, among the thousands who submitted their names, got picked. That isn't how a medical system in Canada should work. It's broken. Broken badly, IMHO

Thank God the car starts. Tim's didn't, this morning. He was 1.5 hours late for work today. Means a long, busy day for him. Brrr, the freezing cold gets in your bones. I feel cold today.

Cheers, be happy. I'll try to smile. :)

Tea, and its effects

Something I was surprised to think, after my consultation with the acupuncturist was the fact that nobody, until him, has thought to ask me my caffeine consumption level. He was the one who asked "what quantity of caffeine drinks are in your diet". His eyes widened in shock when he heard about 6 to 7 large teas a day. I am his all time winner for the most in a day. LOL So, yeah, he mentioned I should cut back. Haha, yes! Hadn't even thought of that as a trigger for my hype-ness. He also said, you can't go cold turkey, just cut it back. So, he mentioned the infusion idea. You should use loose tea, but bags are ok, as well. Pour a bit of hot water on the bag and swirl it for about 20-30 secs then pour that off. You're releasing most of the caffeine in that short time and pouring it away. Then fill the pot to your wanted level and let it steep 5-7 mins. Then, you'll still have the tea tasting the same, with about 90% less caffeine in it. Sounds good to me! As well as that, also I should be alternating mint tea, or actually tisanes (the correct name). That way, I'm getting the hot beverage sans caffeine.

So cold this morning here. -26C @ 7:30 am to get the kids out to the bus. Ouch.

Feeling drowsy and tired this morning. Yes, I slept solidly from 9 pm to 6:30 am when Vic said "get up Mummy it's time". If she'd not woken me, I'd have slept until 8 am likely. Sarah said I was snoring in the night. Ugh LOL I hate the sound of Tim doing it, but oh well, better that I get my needed sleep in and snore away. But "ugh" in a thought LOL

I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time. Orson Welles

January 13, 2009

Thoughts and lyrics dissection

Got some stuff done around the house with Theory and Linkin Park playing. Got a wash on, and clothes ready to put away in piles. So, don't feel so guilty about sitting writing a post here.

Part of my thoughts were/are that yeah I'll post some drivel that somebody may care a bit about. Then I think, no it's not drivel, it's just "stuff", the written words of what I'm thinking. Yeah, it's vain to think that anyone cares about what I'm thinking. But, you know, it helps. It really does help me to put down things on virtual paper. I like emptying, purging my mind here. Then I can read it again if I want, but it's like gone from my mind now, once down here. It's a definite release.

Now to the lyrics I mentioned in the title. Yes Linkin Park lyrics to start with.

What I've Done This video is amazing, the lyrics so echo in my head as what I think.

Move on, move ahead, think ahead, and forget the old. That's the feeling I get from that song. Stop crying about the mistakes, think strong, brave, positive, "yes I can!" thoughts.

Now we come to "Easier to Run". Yeah, this song could be the masthead of this blog. But, nah, that's a coward's way out of the mess. Yeah, I'd say my life was a mess in a depressed state. That's what depression is, I feel: seeing every single thing as a negative in your life. You can not see the positives, at all. Even if they whack you in the face. Thank God I'm not depressed.

Ok, let's look at the lyrics of the song.

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

I wonder why they wrote the words they did. What situation, or thought, or experience led the person(s) to write those particular words. That sort of thing fascinates me. Leads me to want to research the "why" of it. But no, don't have time today, must get stuff done :)

Moving onto Theory. Bad Girlfriend by them. Hehe, reminds me a bit of myself at a younger age. LOL. I gather from an interview I read, that Tyler Connolley wrote the song about his wife, who's a hot babe, and who attracts a lot of interest from guys.

Anyways, those are some of the random thoughts rambling around. Now purged. :)
Have a great day!

First meeting with acupuncturist

So, had my first meeting with the acupuncturist. Interesting stuff about how they go about establishing your health! A look at the tongue to see its colour, texture, appearance, and condition. A long feel of the pulse on my wrists. A detailed questioning of my body and its routine, habits, wants, dislikes, and general disposition. Building up a history for him to establish where my body is in terms of overall general health. As he said Chinese medicine is all about prevention. A complete reversal of Western medicine. The doctor in Eastern cultures sees you when you're well. Trying to prevent illness is the key to their job. Very interesting thought, and really rather smart, I feel!

So, then, yes I laid on the table, got comfortable and he inserted the needles to the point where I just felt a bit of reaction. A slight electric shock or reflex or sensation. Then I was asked what music I'd like to listen to. I chose Asian flute. So, then dark room, peaceful, and a half hour of total peace. Ahhh, so nice! No kids, no dog, no husband, no internet, just emptying my mind, reminding myself to only think of breathing. Oh boy was I relaxed when he came back!

I'm running hot, with flames on my head, as he put it. We need to pull that flame down to my feet and ground me. So, it'll take likely four or five sessions, one per week, and then we'll see how it is. With this extra sleep, from the pills, and this, I'm feeling really in control.

So nice to treat a friend to a latte, as a surprise too. /wave to Maven :) Little pieces of life that make you smile, like a 1/2 hour of total peace, a smile, an "I love you Mummy and I missed you" from my daughter. These make life so rich and full and happy. I am blessed.

January 12, 2009

Stereotypes and how we do it

So, yes, lets talk about stereotypes and why we do it. Some may say that stereotyping is dumb, and they don't do it. I'll raise my eyebrow and say "yeah right" with sarcasm. We all do it, to an extent. Think of the bus example. A guy is acting aggressive and angry at his girlfriend. You think "he's on drugs probably". There you go, you're labeling him a druggie. He may have bipolar for all you know. Or, may have just lost his job, and she's breaking up with him. If we see a man, in rags on the sidewalk, sitting, head hung down, we'll avoid him most likely. We think "oh he's a homeless alcoholic guy". There you go: stereotype #2. And so on.

Now we come to color of skin, black, white, olive, yellow with oriental eyes. We all have blood under our skin. Feelings and emotions don't change due to your skin color. Why the FUCK do people discriminate due to skin color? And don't tell me it doesn't happen, it does. How dare people do that?!? Pisses me off royally to hear a friend in WoW say he's been treated badly due to his skin color. Grrrrr.

Now, we come to women. Yes, some are easy going. Some are worried about their appearance and get their nails done and hair done. Some, like me, haven't seen a hairdresser in years. And heck it's cheaper, for sure. Some love to wear label clothes (I don't). But, when you're a primping, prissy little princess that doesn't give you the right to treat others like shit. Oh no siree, just because you're beautiful, with work, doesn't mean I'm less of a person.

To me, looks are so meaningless. I've found some gorgeous guys, who've I met, and who are absolute assholes, to put it nicely. Some guys, overweight, with acne, are the nicest people on the planet. To me, its the soul, the heart, the mind that matters. Nothing about looks, primping, hair gel or any of that shit. Yeah I do appreciate looking at David Beckhams body. But do I think about how hot he is? Not really, I think 'wow, he's an awesome soccer player, so talented'. So much more about the brains of guys.

People are beautiful if they smile inside and are good people. That's the bottom line. Hopefully I show that. :)

January 10, 2009

The fun of WoW

Ok, I've made reference to it, and now I'll say why I like playing WoW (World of Warcraft). It's a game, yes, an online game, where you create characters, choosing from of the races, and then the type. So, I have a night elf (race) druid (class), and love her. So fun! Also have a Draenai warrior, and a Human rogue. All are different and fun. Some lovely people play, as well. One guy has a sister and a brother, all in diff. towns, and they meet and play online. That is fun to see, and to share the laughs with them.

Yes, I can be a competitive little bitch, for sure. But, for the most part, I think I'm well liked, and tolerated by most. I hope so!

Sleep is good. I'm feeling really good after a couple of good nights of sleep. Yay for that!

January 9, 2009

Another hodge-podge post

Ok, first one, because it makes me laugh is the Theory of a Deadman video HERE on Yahoo Music The PC'ness of trying to edit out the words just doesn't work LOL. Nah, for the full version, read oooo bad words, go here Theory of a Deadman. Actually they just refer you to the Yahoo site. So, nvm right now LOL. But that song just reminds me of all the things we could, and do, make us feel down. But heck no, I'm not going to let them! Quoting the song "Put your middle finger up in the air, and go on, scream Fuck you!" and carry on with life. But don't do that, to somebody, just think it, smile and say, nah, I'm better than that. And walk away. But, sometimes? I'm doing that exact thing in my mind ;)

Ok, now to the 7 things you don't know about me thing. I did one on my 'sane' blog and so here is one for my 'insane' one LOL

1. I have a huge sentimental streak inside me. I keep old mementoes from years past. I have a couple of large shoe boxes full of high school stuff, and college stuff including the program from Tim and mine graduation from college.

2. I have few 'very close' friends. That is, the ones you'd talk to under any and all circumstances. My best friend is a girl I went to kindergarten with and who's been there for most of my big events. Such a treat to have someone who knows you well and who will be there, through thick and thin. We traveled through Europe together, and I think that was the hardest test of our friendship bond. But we stuck it out!

3. I can speak a bit of Italian (not much) but some Italian phrases, and can speak passable French. I sat and chatted with a lady at the doctor's office, and we chatted 90% in French. I was happy that it comes out of the grey matter when needed!

4. I've always had an interest in airplanes and at one point said "I'm going to be the first female Snowbird pilot!" Well that didn't happen did it? The Snowbirds are Canada's hotshot fighter pilot daredevils who do the acrobatic stuff in the sky. Amazing and awe-inspiring. My hopes were let out with a big pop when a General said to me, "Come back and see me when you've got your engineering degree in aeronautics". Um, right, sir.

5. I have a massive dislike of Fundamentalism for ideas. Life is not a certainity of black and white options. We all have choices of grey in there. Nobody has any right to say "You must be a believer in Christ or you shall go to Hell?" My answer to this is "Oh ya? Did God tell you this himself? Did you hear him personally say that? Oh, so it's your belief that leads you to believe that huh? Well, that's a Belief dude, not a fact. Let me decide, thanks very much what my belief is." And that is simply one example of how some Christians try to browbeat people into loving God. It is not the way. So many problems in life are due to pig headed fundamentalism, I feel.

6. I love to let loose some days and just dance like crazy to a video of music or a CD. While I do the dishes, or wash the clothes, or clean up the house, I'm grooving along to the song(s). Makes me forgot about the boringness of the jobs LOL Oh speaking of that - my favourite video from Theory to clean up the office to is Bad Girlfriend

7. I'm a good cook. I love making bread, pizza dough, twisted braids of bread etc. etc. There's something so earthy, and good, and right, and nice about the smell of a yeasty bread dough rising.

If you want to do your own 7 things, just leave me a link in comments k? And I'll be around to read it. Thanks! :)

A good night's sleep finally

Wow, am I glad I got a good night sleep. Waking up, and feeling fuzzy, and tired and making me think to flop back down and get two more hours of sleep is so nice. And normal, and lovely. I love my bed. I love sleeping well in it. Ahhh, glad to have back that want to sleep and moreso the ability to sleep for hours. It makes for a very stable, calm feeling. There is no anxiety in me, at this moment. I feel so peaceful. Yes, thinking LOL (that's never stopped) but calm, peaceful, groggy (a bit), and thankful.

Here are two sayings that I've come across and saved and wanted to dissect.

"The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotation."
Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)

"If only it were so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds and it were necessary to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, 1970 Nobel Laureate.

The first is by the English Prime Minister. How true that quotations try to capture the essence of their message. In many ways I feel that is what the Bible has done. Captured essences of people who did exist, and quoted them for future generations.

The 2nd quote is so true as to be like the nose on your face. No wonder God cannot stop the evil work of some men when all men have it in their heart. And yes, I do think that is true. We all have some good, some evil inside us. Some call it God and the Devil. Others call it other things. Whatever, it's the classic Cain and Abel story. I hope, inside me, the evil side never wins. It's when I feel angry, bitter, tired, on a "knife's edge" as I was yesterday that yes, the evil could win. But the good in my heart, that's what makes me feel so good. In the immediate moment, short term and long term.

Getting back to the medication debate, and whether or not people who've been handed a bottle of pills have the right to not take them. Wouldn't you want to take them and let the good in your heart win? For not only your sake but for all your family and friends? That is such a pity if you cop out and say 'they interfere'. Try getting help, perhaps, to change the medications. Keep tinkering, and trying to fix it. Ignoring it and toking up a weed isn't helping very many except yourself for a bit of drugged, hazy euphoria.

Ok, back to the thought of good and evil existing in all men. Think of this: you're on a crowded bus and it's driving through snow-clogged streets. It's running very late, and getting very slowly to the destination(s). If you look around you you'll see many different people. Some who are reading, or thinking, or sleeping. Some getting anxious, or angry. Each one of those has some good and some evil. The quiet, peaceful ones likely have the good side winning. The angry ones? Well it'd be a guess that they're letting that anger, evil side emotion, win.

So, let's think about this. We have a choice every day upon waking. Are we going to see the glass 1/2 full or 1/2 empty? Your choice. I'd like to try to see it 1/2 full each and every day.

Say thank you to one person today, please :)
Thank you to anybody who reads this. I appreciate it.

January 8, 2009

Oh, for the want to sleep, oh dear sleep!

Ok, I am tired. I am sick of being tired. I went to see my shrink today and talked about being tired. Being angry. Being frustrated so much that I want a label stuck on my forehead "I AM FUCKING FRUSTRATED DON'T BUG ME!" I want to sleep. Oh, sleep, bed, I want you. Oh, I desire you. But, I want to sleep well.

So, the solution was to walk up one flight of stairs once the appointment with the shrink was done, and see the doctor. "Well, he's busy. Well, I NEED to see him now k? I have bipolar, I can't sleep, he said to ask if I really needed to see him, and he'd see me." Well, within 15 mins. I was seeing his buddy. Oh man, the relief! To hear a doctor say, "yes, that must be frustrating. Here's what I'm going to do to help you. Yes, this prescription will help you sleep." Oh thank you Lord for psychologists. Thank you for receptionists who aren't snarky (it pays to say thank you so much for doing your job so well to them every time I see them ;) ) thank you Lord for doctors who listen first, ask questions and then act. Thank you Lord for drugs to make me sleep. Thank you Lord for getting me home in time for 2 hours of blessed sleep before my kids get home from school. And most of all, thank you Lord for my life.

K, one more post on the other one, about crappy drivers, and then SLEEP! Precious SLEEP!

Say thank you to someone today ok? Just a random person who does a mundane thing for you. A bus driver. A cashier. Just say thank you. You'll feel better, they'll feel better.

January 7, 2009

Time to write something about celebrities and choices

Ok, I'm going to get opinionated here, so be prepared to agree, or offended. Doesn't matter to me your reaction; think what you want.

People with bipolar symptoms that don't take prescribed medications are idiots. There you have it: my opinion.

Let me go on to back that up. There are some people I've heard about, and others in my extended family who have had bipolar type symptoms. They're denying it, they're refusing to take the meds. and guess what? They are not functioning well. They may *THINK* they are fine, great, awesome and handling it well. But others can see they aren't. How irresponsible of them. Yes, it is our choice to take meds or not. But, if the quality of your behaviour improves on them, so that it makes your familys life easier, isn't that a basic 'good idea'? Is it fair to deny it, and have your family on a knives edge, wondering if you'll do something "really" crazy, not just mildly crazy? Is it fair to kids to have parents out of control, medicating themselves with alcohol, street drugs and/or whatever other method they handle their behaviour with? Kids are sponges. Don't tell me different.

My daughter @ 6 y.o. knows I'm on the computer too much. She tells me that. Don't you think a 6 y.o. notices how Daddy drinks a lot? How he acts funny and angry? Doesn't he OWE it to the child to take the damn drugs? That's why I make my statement above. Doesn't a mother OWE it to her child to try to be there for all the questions a child has. Somebody absorbed in their own problems due to not medicating isn't being fair to those around her. We don't live in a vacuum, sealed off from all others. We live in a society where people care deeply about us.

Ok, now to celebrities. I feel sorry for Britney Spears. I empathize with that poor girl. In the sense of life in a bloody fish bowl, not entirely of her choice. What is the fucking problem with our society where it is reported that Paris Hilton made the sickening purchase of a pink Bentley "like her Barbie car of childhood". That so sickens me when I think of how many children in Africa could be fed. How many wells for water could be drilled. How many children could go to school. How sad that money was spent on that frivolity. Why is it that a mother who has bipolar likely is hounded beyond belief for our 'enterainment' getting back to Britney? Thank god I'm not rich, nor famous. I never want either of those, thanks. Thank goodness she's back in control. Best of luck to her in her upcoming world tour.

So many talented musicians have gone the way of suicide. So many artists, as well. It truly seems as though the gift of the gab, or the gift of the music flowing out of the brain, unchecked, or the gift of the brush flowing from the fingers comes with a price of madness. A touch of insanity, or a touch of fire, you may say. Creativity and mental illness is an entry at Wikipedia. Are creative people truly that due to mental illness (at least some)? Or does the creative process cause some cases of mental illness you wonder. I find, in my case, yes I write easily. It seriously does just flow off the fingers. I don't search hard for words to write. It's a steady, constant flow of thoughts. I don't shut off, either when I'm not typing. That constantly, running, flowing stream of thoughts continues 24/7. Even when I sleep, (and not a good sleep at that) the thoughts are there. I wake up and right away there are thoughts there. Does that perhaps explain the 1000+ emails I sent to a friend? Yes, that's a lot of writing. "How do you do it?" he asked once. Well, that flow in his direction has dried up completely, thank God. Yeah, hard, but I'm past that. My new outlet is right here. See the frequency of posts? Those are the ones I've written down. There's a backlog of posts lined up in there, the brain. I'd imagine it's the same with some musicians, or artists. I've heard that Kurt Cobain, the musician, had bipolar disorder, and that his creative genius was part of this madness I live. I can't begin to think how his daughter will cope. How Paul Hester's children will, either. How anybody who's lost a parent, or loved one due to suicide copes. It's a cowards way out, that will damage every person, near and far, around you. Please, just don't. Just don't. Call for help, somehow. Is this my cry? Perhaps. I have no idea how bad I'll get. Do I hope I handle the future ok? Oh yeah, of course! My two girls are so good for me. That 'I love you Mummy' really does the heart, the mind and the soul good. I asked Vic this morning 'Why do you love Mummy?' Her answer was 'because you're nice, you're funny, and you make me sandwiches that I like'. LOL! Isn't that darling? Sarah's answer was 'because you help me do my math homework and buy us toys'. LOL, my practical, if greedy girl. :P

I love life. Basically, simply that's it. I have to start tonight, asking around the dinner table 'what was the best part of your day?' That works. We used to do that regularly, and haven't been doing it. Back to that, for sure. It's a concrete reminder of how good life is.

I am going to be less insecure. That's a good goal to work towards. People wouldn't say this cluster of words if they didn't believe them

- cheerful
- energetic
- friendly
- helpful
- loving
- reflective
- accepting
- bold
- caring
- extroverted
- giving
- warm

In the Big Five personality traits, (page at Wikipedia) I'd say this about the traits as regards to me

Openness: 80% (close to that)
Extraversion: 90% (close to that)
Conscientiousness: 30% (close to this)
Neuroticism: 80%
Agreeableness: 90%

This is just off the top of my head, evaluating the traits listed under each heading.

Okay, daily dump of thoughts done. Feel better. Off to get on with being a Mum. Back again tomorrow LOL :P

January 6, 2009

Some reassurance

I got some lovely reassurance from a dear, long-time friend (we're talking 42 years here!). She's read this blog and loves it. Says that it's just like I'm sitting over a cup of tea chatting with her. Feels good to read what's in my head, and she's glad that it makes me feel happy to pour it out. LOL, relieves her ears no doubt. She's seen her friend go from easy kid, to troubled 20-something, to happy, married lady, to happy Mummy to friend out-of-control and "what the freakin' heck is Deb doing with her life?????" to finally, lately seeing me under control, basically. She's the one who I'm to call if it all really really falls apart. If the shit hits the fan, and Tim walks out, and if the kids go too. If I feel I really can't handle anything at all, she's coming to get me. We've discussed this because I don't know, some days what type of danger I am to myself. No wonder some people are afraid of me. I'm afraid of myself, dudes who read this. What could I do in a fit of white-hot, furious anger? I hope to never feel that.

This blog is not an exercise in vanity. I am not vain. I don't ask for people to say "oh poor Deb, she's got it rough". No I don't have it rough. I've got a cushy life with a husband that loves me, and puts up with my shit. I've got great kids that understand that Mummy is sometimes "Mrs. Crazy pills" as they call it, or our dog Tonka when he dashes about the house like a crazy dog. I've got parents who really love me, and who care a lot. I've got wonderful brothers who do send Birthday cards and who call on holidays to wish us well. I've got friends who've I met in person, and on online that care. So, no I don't want pity. Never, please. Never pity me. Just say "good for you Deb for being honest and trying". Yeah I'm not perfect and yeah I'm a stupid, bitchy drama queen at times. I hate it. Let's see more of the kind, forgiving, accepting wonderful Deb that many like. Man, do I wish we had a nice big eraser brush for life's mistakes. Give that old white board of life a good hard scrub and wipe out all the mistakes. Wouldn't that be awesome? But, no, can't do that. Can't even think with regret of past things.

Two simple sayings that say a lot in a few words

"To learn, read; to know, write; to master, teach."
"Say it straight, simple, and with a smile"

Oy, would my life be better off from day 1 holding those close to my heart, and my brain.

Good news: got an acupuncturist lined up to meet with. Let's hope for the best.

Publishing to LJ, as well for friends who use that

Ok, try to do this again. A post to my LJ

Ok, that worked! Copying in here the other post I deleted LOL

Ok! due to a friend asking if she could get my Bloggerfeed on her LJ from this one, I've done some research. Found that if you have a Plus account (means ads on your blog), you can specify a mobile setting so that I can email my postings to my LJ. WOOT! Ok, also figured out that I need to go to email setting in blogger and specify that LJ address to send entries to. Then it 'should' work.K, now to try sending it!

Links between my consumption of Omega-3's and my mood

Ok, I'm going to talk about something I've noticed. And that helps, a lot. That is: popping a few Omega 3's into my mouth. Back in 1999 when I first had Sarah, I got the help of a lactation consultant. That's the lady who knows how to stuff the boob into the mouth so the babe gets the food from it LOL. So, she said for me to give Sarah the optimum benefits I should add flax oil capsules into my diet. So, did that. And I can recall feeling little in the way of mood swings. Things were stable. I kept up the breastfeeding until Sarah was 2 years old. Around May of 2001 I noticed my nipples were sore. And yes, Victoria was on the way. I kept up taking the flax oil, and then another two more years of taking it, as I breastfeed Victoria for 2 years. As an aside we saved a shit-load of money in no formula cost and using cloth diapers. Anyway, after she stopped, when I decided to take a jogging program with the Running Room, I stopped the supplements. Woo eee, crazy times ensued. Really crazy. I can recall losing my temper when they wouldn't sleep and going into the kitchen and wham wham wham wham on the cutting board with our big knife. It scared me as I was doing it. I couldn't stop. It totally scared Tim too. Another time, I slapped him, my dear husband across the face. I don't say these things as any badge of honour, but to show just how "OUT OF CONTROL" I truly was. Then, things fell into place with the drugs the family doctor gave me. It was the psychiatrist who said to go back onto the Omega-3. And man, did that help. An email friend commented about 6 months later "Deb, you're so, well, "normal", these days. Does that tell you the difference in moods? That isn't even somebody close to me, around me, seeing my day-to-day stuff.

I was just filling gelatin capsules with Flax oil this morning. What a messy, icky job. But, if it helps I shall do it. For everyone, including myself. I was curious, as well, what the difference between Omega 3 and 6. The 3 we must get from supplements. The 6 we get in plentiful amounts in foods. It's the balance between the 2 that is the key, I gather from this article

Quote now, from that article

The imbalance between omega-3 and omega-6 fatty acids may also contribute to obesity, depression, dyslexia, hyperactivity and even a tendency toward violence. Bringing the fats into proper proportion may actually relieve those conditions, according to Joseph Hibbeln, M.D., a psychiatrist at the National Institutes of Health, and perhaps the world's leading authority on the relationship between fat consumption and mental health. At the 2006 Nutrition and Health Conference sponsored by the University of Arizona's College of Medicine and Columbia University's College of Physicians and Surgeons, Dr. Hibbeln cited a study showing that violence in a British prison dropped by 37 percent after omega-3 oils and vitamins were added to the prisoners' diets.


Wiki entry on Omega-3 EFA's (essential fatty acids)

NetWellness article on understanding Omega 3 and 6 EFA's

Hope this helps somebody understand that those fish oils, that cod liver oil, or flax seeds ground up and sprinkled are pretty vital to our mental health.

January 5, 2009

Music, and its influence

*Listening to Pink's "Funhouse" that I just unwrapped. Ripping it to the HD as I type. Yeah, I'm a CD buyer. I'd rather have the hard copy, as opposed to a digital download. More secure.

"So What" is a great song! About the breakup of her marriage to Corey Hart, the motocross racer. I like her style. I bought it due to the great review by a friend, Speedy. Thanks!

Ok, music does affect my mood, and my way of speech I've noticed. I do love the anger of rap music, at times. Eminem is a master of lyrics. "Crazy insane or is that insane crazy?" Whatever, he's a genius IMHO of lyrics. Many will say WTF Deb? Are you NUTS? No, just know what I like. Dr. Dre. meh, not so keen. But, here's the downfall of Mr. MM's music > I swear more, and sometimes I do feel angry after listening to it, and singing along. That's been a result of some poor decisions.

Whereas if I listen to some nice religious rock'n'roll like Paul Colman (an Aussie muscian) I feel mellow, happy, grounded. Jewel too. And OMG Sasah McLachlan > I love her stuff. I have definite favourites lately: Theory of a Deadman, Linkin Park, Avril Lavigne, and MB20. Those will likely change in the next few months. I'd say Pink will become a disc in the rotation in the kitchen. I really do enjoy having music on.

Now, lyrics. I tend to try to fit in my life to have some revelance to the lyrics. I can associate events, feelings and emotions to different songs. Some laugh at my associations but basically stuff them. I'll continue to do it. I enjoy it. The song I think I first did that with was with my HS buddies and "Eleanor Rigby" I was most like that song out of all the Beatles songs. Do others do that I wonder? I'm curious. The song I think my GF's and I most liked, at times after breakups was the classic Marianne Faithfull tune "Why D'Ya do it?" off her "Broken English" album. I still have the vinyl record in the basement. Likely warped now LOL. Here's an excerpt from the wiki entry about that song.

The last track, "Why D’Ya Do It?", was a caustic, graphic rant of a woman reacting to her lover's infidelity. The lyrics began with the man's point of view, relating the bitter tirade of his jilted lover. It was set to a grinding tune inspired by Jimi Hendrix’s recording of Bob Dylan’s "All Along the Watchtower". Poet and writer Heathcote Williams had originally conceived the lyrics as a piece for Tina Turner to record, but Faithfull succeeded in convincing him that Turner would never record such a number. Its plethora of four-letter words and explicit references to oral sex caused controversy and led to a ban in Australia, where local pressings of the LP were released with smooth vinyl in place of the track and a 'bonus' 45 single as compensation (the ban did not extend to import copies).


We (me and my GF's) had no real idea of the real feeling she put into that song, but we called it our angry, bitter song LOL.

I find music does make me happy in the long run. And radio too. Chatty radio. Bring on CBC!

January 4, 2009

Feeling lonely when I'm not alone

K, that sounds weird, but it's true. It's like I need a stimulus to make me laugh and feel good, or I feel lonely. Doing day-to-day stuff aka crap just gets me in the dumps. Music helps, but then I get Tim saying it's too loud, or he doesn't like it, and turns it off. :(

It's like I need a main-stream of interesting conversation aimed at me, and then I feel alive and functioning and happy. Without input I flounder about, get depressed and just don't feel good. I feel lonely. My kids help a fair bit, but at times, I'd just rather not have their level of 'conversation'. "Mummy I'm hungry. I want a cheese and mayo sandwich. I want white bread. Cut it like this Mummy (crosswise, NOT sideways for squares). You put butter on! (won't eat it, if I make that error). I don't like the crusts (so like 3 bits per bit) :P Then 5 mins. later "Mummy I'm hungry I want carrots and dip! That's not the right kind of dip! I don't like it (leaves dip and carrots). Half hour later 'Mummy I'm hungry, I want apple!' You say, I'm sorry I'm busy atm, can you wait 5 mins. 'Mummy I'm hungry!' and won't shut up :P Yeah, that's awesome conversation!

K, that was Vic's version of convo. Sarah's? Well "Miss Picky Eater" about covers it. Only certain foods meet the standard of entering the mouth. Usually those with salt, fat or both. And breaded, never plain. Except for turkey. Oh, and chips? Miss Chip Queen. Yes, for sure.

So, yeah, getting out, and talking to other adults is good for me, I know. I need to do more of it.

January 3, 2009

A mish-mash of thoughts poured out

Ok, this is going to be a dog's breakfast, or a pot of Refrigerator soup (that kind you make when you clean out the crisper drawer, and the little pots of fat with gelatin at the bottom LOL). In other words, just a bunch of stuff from my head.

Why do I see other people with bipolar blogs saying the same thing as me? That is "having to say sorry all the time?" Is it a function of our brains? Is it the bane of our lives? I'd say so. I swear I say that word reflexly, not consciously. Do others, with a mental illness say it that much? I mean, more so than I've noticed.

I feel angry sometimes (actually a lot). Angry that I have to see a psychologist, in order to function well. That I'm defective, and always will be. That I can't be more organized, in my life, my thoughts, my actions. It's not fun being angry. I try to talk myself out of the anger, and "be happy". But doesn't work some days. I mope, and bitch, and try to escape those thoughts.

Here's a thought about people who end it, via suicide. Maybe they're just tired of saying "sorry". And are impulsive doers. So, they get into that deep, negative, dark "whirlpool" of thoughts and really don't see a way out. And then, impulsively do something they think "will help" and then die. I'd guess those are the rough thoughts. I hear my online friend still saying he's angry and upset, and how will he carry on with life? Is that any way to treat your family, when you think about it? So sad.

I think with regret of the friends I've lost through thoughtless, stupid reactions. The ones who don't bother writing, nor wish me to contact them. Hard to accept, but I must. I hope they know that I wish them well. Anything less would be hypocrisy.

So, let's get around to resolutions. As a guy wrote on Tania's Facebook profile, don't make resolutions for the future days. Say in terms of now, today, immediate, and the subconscious doesn't know the difference. I'm going to do what I've always been doing, and hope to continue doing, and feel so angry when I realize I've not done them. That is: exhibt patience, love, understanding, kindness and humour and not let the small stuff get me down. That'll make for a good year, I hope.

I really hope mentally ill people get some breaks in the next year too. Some consideration that we don't have an easy life to live with this clogging our brains. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but I do want some compassion. Something some aren't willing to give, sadly. But that's life I guess. Nice to be perfect, and I'll never be that. Nor will very many.

January 2, 2009

Concerned and/or curious about my style

Call me a worrier or a navel gazer, but interested in my writing style. It's mine, obviusly (DOH!). But I'm curious to what you think, out there. Is it fun to read? Interesting? Boring, pointless crap? Whatever, let me know k? I'm curious, obviously LOL

I write like I'd talk. Just let the thoughts flow out through the fingers. Not really any stoppage of the flow, but it comes out naturally.

Happy New Year and fresh starts

So, we start again. Another year, full of promise, hopes and growth, perhaps. We'll never really know what's up until we get there I guess.

Indulge me in a look at the past year. It was a good year, all in all. Yes, some real downs, but I do feel I handled it all ok relatively. Yes, some stupid mistakes on my part, agreed. Some lost friendships, some arguments, and generally a feeling afterwards of "why I am so damn stupid and reactive??!!!??" How indeed, a step away, helps thy stop looking like an idiot.

I know I've made resolutions before to count to 10, look at it (the situation) with a birds eye view, and take the emotion out of it. Hasn't always worked. But I'd be a hypocrite, and stupid, to not keep trying it. Because I know it's the best way to make 2009 a successful one. Patience, understanding, kindness, and listening. All good things that I do, anyhow.

As I read others bipolar blogs I get a sense of how others feel the same impotent rage that we just can't stop ourselves sometimes. Not from lack of thought, but just too fast to do "it". Too impulsive.

Let's hope, this year, at the end, I can write: I did a good job of stopping the impulsive, snap reaction that makes me look like an idiot.

Happy 2009! Smile, be happy!